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2008-06-17T13:34:00.010+02:00

Membru tal-Bord Malti tal-Junior Eurovision #1: "Għandna problema!"
Membru tal-Bord Malti tal-Junior Eurovision #2: "X' ġara issa?"
MBMJE #1: "It-tfal ..."
MBMJE #2: "X'inqalgħalhom?"
MBMJE #1: "Ma jafux ikantaw."
MBMJE #2: "Allura ...?"
MBMJE #1: "Din suppost mhux kompetizzjoni tal-kant ...?"
MBMJE #2: "Eh ija ... vera."
...
MBMJE #2: "Ma nafx ostja."

... xi ħin wara nofsinhar ...

MBMJE #1: "Ġietni ideja brillanti."
MBMJE #2: "Għidli."
MBMJE #1: "Peress li t-tfal ma jafux ikantaw live, nistgħu nitfgħu CD bil-mużika tagħhom għaddej live ..."
MBMJE #2: "... eh ..."
MBMJE #1: "... waqt li t-tfal jaqbżu u jiftħu ħalqhom fuq il-palk ..."
MBMJE #2: "... kompli ..."
MBMJE #1: "... biex jgħatu l-impressjoni li qed ikantaw ..."
MBMJE #2: "... eh..."
MBMJE #1: "... meta fil-fatt ma JKUNUX qed ikantaw!"
MBMJE #2: "U hekk niffrankaw il-flus ukoll! Kull ma rridu nagħmlu hu li nsibu lil xi ħadd biex ibiddel is-CD u jagħfas play."
MBMJE #1: "Eżatt!"
MBMJE #2: "Il-Alla! Int ġenju!"

Festival tal-Kanzunetta ghall-Junior Eurovision 2007 (stennew sa 0:48):

Miġjub lillkom mill-Malta Council of Culture and Arts (is-salvagwardja tal-kultura u arti f' Malta ).

Mill-fondi tiegħek.

Cooking with Ħażen

2008-06-05T22:28:00.008+02:00

Ftit hawn nies li kapaċi jieħdu ritratt tagħhom lebsin ta' 'hot dog', fil-waqt li qed jiġu miksija ketchup minn żewġt irġiel b'wiċċ ta' ħanżir, u jkollhom il-kuraġġ jerġgħu jidhru fil-pubbliku.

Wieħed minn dawn in-nies jismu Peter Dacoutros u m'hemmx xi ngħidu, Peter huwa bniedem kuraġġuż ħafna.

Hawn għalikom, għeżież qarrejja ta' ħazin.info, tlett paġni mill-kotba tat-tisjir ta' dan il-fenomenu:

1. Il-qoxra tal-ktieb tiegħu, 'Cooking with Peter'. Il-qmis, il-kandelabru, id-daħka, iż-żokra kważi tidher. X'ma jaqbdekx il-ġuħ.

2. Dan huwa wieħed mis-serje ta' ritratti 'photoshopped' li sibna. Diffiċli tgħid x'għandu x'jaqsam ma' ktieb tar-riċetti imma xorta jibqa' ritratt ta' klassi kbira ...

3. U fl-aħħar, il-'masterpiece'. Ha nħallukom tgawdu dan ir-ritratt mingħajr wisq kummenti. Grazzi Peter.

Production Passion Entertainment

2008-05-24T21:18:00.008+02:00

What we have here is the first episode of the series Il-Barbuljati ta' Ċensu. This masterpiece is the work of Production Passion Entertainment. We are not making this up, they are actually called Production Passion Entertainment.

Now keep in mind that the first episode of a series is often regarded as the most important of the lot by the makers and producers of the show. The first one is usually the "make-or-break" episode in so far as audience following for the whole series is concerned. If people get hooked on to the story by the first episode, then you've probably gained an audience for the whole season (Lost spent a whopping one million dollars on just the first episode). So, what are Production Passion Entertainment offering us here?

We start off with the opening credits - long shots of what look like random passersby (which, as we later find out to our great misfortune, are the main protagonists of the story) walking down desolate streets. This is all accompanied by a horrible, cheap, MIDI version of Queen's Seaside Rendezvous. If you do make it past the opening credits, you'll be subjected to what is probably the most uneventful and unfunny seven minutes in the history of comedy, starring an Addams family of sorts comprised of an obese kid, a loud and obnoxious mother, and a fat caveman who dresses up like a three-year old child. Yes, it is as horrible as it sounds. This is truly painful to watch.

We challenge anyone to find one second of comedy in this piece of crap.

P.S. We have yet to see uglier bedrooms than the ones witnessed above.

Chasing Pandora (and partners)

2008-05-20T22:02:00.007+02:00

From the multi-award winning ace journalists at http://www.di-ve.com/:

Chasing Pandora - Two
(with a fitting commentary by our writers at ħażin.info, in subtle red)

After a year of change, infused with intense creativity (we are assuming the bulk of this creativity was dedicated to the writing of this article) Chasing Pandora are back!

Melissa (Portelli) more beautiful than ever, radiant, exuding the happiness that her daughter Asia Rain (that makes her Asia Rain Portelli) brings her, able to juggle her role as devoted mother and singer song-writer with total ease, and Keith, well just Keith a sensitive, musical genius (other musicians generally referred to as 'genius': Jimi Hendrix, John Coltrane, Beethoven), who has played no less than 7 different instruments (we have substantial reason to believe one of these instruments is Keith's ukulele ...) on these new tracks, again being joined by Eric Wadge on bass and Ismael Azzopardi on keyboards.

On first listen to their new EP ‘Two’ you would be forgiven for double checking the artist, they have developed and grown musically so much!

Melissa’s voice is like an angel, crystal clear, her lyrics so uplifting and filled with light, you can literally hear her stepping from the darkness of the world that prompted her to write such poignant songs as ‘Bleed’ and ‘Feel the Rain’ into the happiness she has now found which pulses through ‘No-one Else’ one of the songs on their new EP ‘Two’. (We were dumbstruck by this sentence. We think the author means Melissa has a pretty good voice and that she concluded "feel good" songs sell more throughout the summer season. But we're not completely sure.)

‘Memories’ sees Keith joining Melissa vocally with this beautiful duet, and again you might be surprised at the quality and depth of Keith’s voice in this tale of misunderstandings in love and a chance to make it happen … (make what happen? misunderstandings in love? because we believe that might actually make quite a good subject for a song ...) Their two voices melting together in harmony.

‘Only Yesterday’ - Global warming, racism, a lack of tolerance and kindness towards each other. “Yesterday we wanted to change the world, but what are we doing today?” What will have become of our world tomorrow.

The last song, ‘Me and You’ is the ultimate summer song. Mel with her partner and Keith with his ukulele (you are in our prayers Keith: musical geniuses all deserve partners slightly more flattering than ukuleles), sitting by the water’s edge strumming, kids laughing, sand between your toes, an ice cold drink in your hand. Do you get the picture? You will be humming this song in your sleep, in the shower, in the car, in the ... (where? where?! All this suspense is killing us. No it isn't. But the pretentiousness of this article has its hand at our throat.)

So you thought you knew what Chasing Pandora were about, well perhaps you’ll have to start all over again !

So let’s start over... (A great ending to a great piece of writing. Thank you, di-ve.)

Melissa Portelli. Keith & Ukulele exchanging loving glances in the background.

Death to the Mongrel! Viva l-Ħażen!

2008-05-19T23:05:00.005+02:00

Yes, that's right. The Maltese Mongrel is no more. We have moved to www.hazin.info, hence the new name.

We also have some new writers in our midst. Some will be writing in English, others will be writing in Maltese, making this a bilingual website from now on.

We have some other changes in store for you, but more about this later on. For now, please give a warm welcome to ... ĦAŻIN.info.

God sings through La Barokka

2008-04-08T19:31:00.009+02:00

From http://www.labarokka.com/:

LA BAROKKA'S DREAM CAME TRUE IN ATLANTA GEORGIA CONCERT

Dearest Friends,

Oh God, as am typing on this computer in Sheraton Atlanta Georgia, I can't stop thanking GOD.....

Saturday evening, A HUGE DREAM came true, as I sung in the most beautiful spirit, with love and so much Faith here in Atlanta Georgia.....The Concert was like a scene from a Film...

The Hall was packed with people from all over the States of America and UK, and in the room was one of the top Celebrities in Hollywood, Coach Ken Carter....sitting down sipping his drink, so ready to hear me singing.....In the hall as well, the great motivational speaker of all time John Di Lemme, and also his parents from Florida....Dan Giordano...Scott Schilllin, Orrin Hudson who will also be the inspiration of a new movie in Hollywood.....so many many great names...

After each and every song, the audience cheered, clapped with emotion.....and when my song YOU was on, where I featured a Hip Hop artist from Philadelphia called Rawmall, the audience stood up dancing...and Coach Ken Carter started dancing and cheering...Can you imagine, the great Coach Ken Carter dancing to my song??

I ended the concert by singing a cappella TIME TO SAY GOODBYE, and when I hit the high note at the end, I could not stop....something went in me...great spirit of love from God I believe.....and like a dream, the audience gave me a great standing ovation that brought me into tears....

So.... here it is.... that is what happened, another BIG DREAM that come true, on March 29th, 2008 at the MAIN EVENT of John Di Lemme, Atlanta Georgia.....I wrote this down on my DREAM WALL, as this came true...

When i ended the concert, I have explained, that the voice is not ME, but God singing through me!

Friends, as I am here, am typing with my hands trembling with JOY... as I can't ever stop thanking GOD how GOOD HE IS.....

Yesterday I sung a few gospel pieces, to pray with the crowd in Atlanta, and it was such a blessing..

You who is reading this, is not a coincidence.....You have a dream in your heart, and you know that you can do it if you WORK HARD. So go for it, and make sure that it's not YOU SAYING NO TO YOURSELF. God Bless you.

When in Malta, you will hear from me....I am determined to shatter MALTA WITH MY VOICE, AND I WILL SCREAM IF I HAVE TO...AS MANY DEAD MINDS NEED TO BE AWAKENED....AND THOSE WHO WANT TO BE DEAD, LET THEM BE. AMEN!

Love you all,

LA BAROKKA.

This piece inspires us to write a lengthy commentary on La Barokka.

We could ask ourselves which came first: La Barokka's road to religious fanaticism or her meeting with this Christian group from the good ol' US of A.

We could comment on her deluded and troubled mind ... I mean ... God singing through your body?? The Big Guy himself choosing YOU to sing??? La Barokka, have you heard yourself sing?? Do you understand the meaning of the word humility?

We could also comment on some of the religious tripe that comes out of Hollywood, even though that would be outside the scope of this website.

We could write volumes on the above and more ... but quite frankly, we cannot be bothered!

So we will leave the comments up to our readers ... the ones with the "dead minds" as La Barokka so kindly put it.

Vodka

2008-03-02T13:42:00.007+01:00

Everyone knows that di-ve.com is no Guardian when it comes to blogs. But reading through Morena's blog one gets the impression that it has been written by some over-enthusiastic, annoying kid. Here is an excerpt:

To say it in a nutshell - I had a ball ! It would have been simply perfect had it been a little more sunny (but I got the sun from the smiling faces around me, so that was okay!), and if I had taken a jacket that was a little bit ticker than the one I packed - but douze points for the Ukranian experience!

... and another:

But, you may be wondering WHY I went upsailing with professional upsailers in the first place, right? Ok! I will let the cat out of the bag! I was training for the up and coming video shoot next week!

My seven-year old kid is getting pretty good at English compositions. Maybe I should pass on his CV to di-ve.com ...

Spiridione Sant

2008-02-21T08:28:00.004+01:00

In the midst of the current chaos brought about by the Maltese general elections, we decided to revisit a gem from the past. This is an interview with Spiridione Sant from the general elections of 1996, complete with his usual rendition of the Maltese national anthem at the end.

Alas, the great Sant is no longer with us today as he passed away in the beginning of 2002. But the legend lives on ...

And once again, the interviewer manages to keep a solemn face throughout the entire interview, making the whole thing look like a brilliant comedy sketch.

Beaver

2008-02-14T08:18:00.002+01:00

Nice one Glen!

Blink 182, Good Charlotte, Sum 41 and ... Klinsmann?

2008-02-07T07:41:00.001+01:00

First things first.

Klinsmann.

Why Klinsmann?

If my football fanatic father makes the unfortunate decision of naming me something like Klinsmann, Pele, Maradona or Platini, and I decide to take a plunge into show business presenting myself as a rock star, first thing I would do is CHANGE THE F*@KIN' NAME!

With that out of the way, we can move on to the main story ...

The Malta Song for Europe would not be complete without its good share of controversies, all of which are discussed ad nauseum on a variety of pointless TV shows. One such controversy this year has to do with Klinsmann's song, "Go" - a bland concoction of skate punk music that was obviously written by someone who has no idea of what punk music is about (Dominic - stick to jazz).

Someone put up a youtube video highlighting the obvious similarities between Klinsmann's song and another equally annoying song by some other band called Busted. To say that the songs are similar is really an understatement - they practically have the same verse and pre chorus. In fact, Klinsmann's "Go" sounds like a very badly-executed cover version of Busted's song.

This is what followed ...

Video highlights:

- Klinsmann's cockney-American hybrid accent while singing the song.

- Eileen's impeccable dress sense.

- Andy Warhol's evil twin (at 01:34).

- Klinsmann trying to defend the indefensible.

Klinsmann, ikkupjatha-in-sort-of-a-way (as you put it), is exactly what your song sounds like. You have been BUSTED! (no pun intended)

Rocky "La Barokka" Balboa

2008-01-31T11:14:00.000+01:00

Some weeks ago, I.M. Beck did the unthinkable. He turned against Malta's darling, God's Great Gift to us, the nation's best-loved voice - La Barokka. I.M. Beck's article can be found here.

La Barokka would not stand for this. The angel of God decided to put her holy boxing gloves on and throw some punches back. The following is what she wrote in her website:

La Barokka, Laughing Out Loud

La Barokka had a good laugh recently and this is what she is sharing :

“Dearest people and so many friends. I am noticing that some very few people get so irritated when they see the Light coming….I know a very sad fellow, who owns a very scary look, and have a very clumsy walk, who I really pity. He thinks that he will make people cry with his insults and stupid comments. This guy who is robust and very sad, physically owns a very big head on his neck, thinks that he is some glorified god in this country. Well I am praying for this guy, for he really needs love. May one day this poor man and also people like him with filthy attitude, realizes that there is nothing more beautiful in life than using words to spread goodness, greatness and inspiration. People who uses their mouth and words to spread darkness, evil, and dirty propaganda, will themselves get crushed in their own darkness.

I am following my heart and my soul, and till the day I die, I will always spread messages of beauty, love and faith. I love God, and even though I get attacked, God is blessing me even more. God is is my Creator, and I mean to bless anybody who listens to my music and messages. When I fall, I stand up again, and get ready to give the next punch.

Like Rocky says.. “in life, is’t not how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward!” God Bless you my dearest friends, and focus on the light, stand straight and tall, and keep your chins up high, pointing to the sky! Amen!

La Barokka, two things you definitely share with Rocky are his intellect and eloquence.

Hi Ma, do you mind if I bring some friends over for tea? ...

2008-01-25T13:10:00.000+01:00

... they're in a band.

One lump or two?

Fun with Isabelle

2008-01-15T22:24:00.001+01:00

Scavaging through the various websites of the "il-holma tieghi hi li nirraprezenta lil Malta fil-Jurovixin" lot, we came across a very disturbing pic. The person in question is a female singer called Isabelle. THIS is what greets you when you visit her website:

After spending hours trying to figure out why Isabelle would choose such a pic to greet anyone to her website, we decided to have some fun ...

Sorry Isabelle, it just had to be done.

Paso Doble

2008-01-13T18:12:00.000+01:00

This hilarious clip is courtesy of singer J. Anvil. The thing which makes this clip so good HAS to be the two gay dancing matadors ("gay dancing matadors" is one phrase that I would have never thought I'd have to use).

Best moment is at 02:44 when the matadors whip out their ribbons. Classic stuff.

Carmelo Borg Pisani - presente!

2008-01-13T17:30:00.000+01:00

Norman Lowell is the local Nazi nutcase. His racist ramblings elicit some amusement but mostly disgust. In this clip from Super One's Obelix he decides to dedicate a minute (is it a minute?) of his precious air time to Carmelo Borg Pisani - a Maltese Italian executed by the British during World War II who was dedicated to the idea of the unification of Malta with Italy.

Some priceless moments in this clip include the shot of Norman Lowell's solemn face with Toni Abela laughing in the background and Norman Lowell rolling wine around in his mouth after toasting to the aforementioned Borg Pisani.

Abacus Operandi

2008-01-13T16:54:00.000+01:00

Carmelo Saliba submitted his candidacy for the Maltese general elections of 1996. In this little clip he talks about his reasons for getting into politics. After watching the clip we are pretty sure that his love for San Pawl has something to do with him feeling compelled to enter into politics - but other than that we couldn't quite work out what he would actually do if elected.

The best part of this clip has to be when Carmelo explains how he came up with the name for his party.

Watching this video one keeps expecting the interviewer to burst out laughing but he doesn't even concede a tiny smile. The guy must be a pro.

"Ara Doris! Hellooo!!"

2008-01-13T16:22:00.001+01:00

The one and only Eileen Montesin. She is sure to be one of the regulars in our pages. Here is an unforgettable Montesin moment from the Carnival of 2006 in Valletta. While hosting the event in the city's main square she spots a friend in the crowd. Eileen decides to shout out to her friend using her microphone in the most inelegant of manners. Enjoy.

The Voice of an Angel

2008-01-13T15:21:00.000+01:00

The first post HAS to go to La Barokka - our favourite pop soprano. This is one side-splittingly funny case. Her "angelic" voice has the amazing ability to not hit the right notes at the worst moments in a very loud manner. A quick read through the bio page on her website should suffice to prove how delusional this person is. Here are some quotes:

" ... she decided that it was her duty to use and share this gift, which she believes, was given to her by God."

"La Barokka’s prime aim is to be an internationally renowned artist, with the specific vision to attract people to a GREAT LIFE."

"La Barokka is all about beauty."

Watching her videos you will notice how her speech is peppered with religious catchphrases, thus adding another twist to this sad story. Have a look at this introductory video that first greets you when you enter her website:

And here she is trying to sing (with emphasis on the word "trying") acappella.

La Barokka, you are more than worthy of the first post of The Maltese Mongrel. Well done!